Just some issuses I wanted to get out of me.  I haven't told anyone what she said to me just after the accident.  I am just now able to form the words that she spoke to me and I'm now able to tell my parents what really went on between us.  All the things I did when I was sith her and all the things she said to me and things I said to her.  Now my parents have a grasp as to why I wanted to kill myself so desperately that I kept trying to slit my throat even though I was already bleeding from my torn up wrist, which I still can't feel.  Here is part of a long story.

Being friends with her at first was great we had some great laughs and got into all sorts of trouble together.  I really had fun with her, but then she started taking advantage of me...I was too stupid at the time to realize it.  She used me for rides in my car, she used me because she knew I would spend money on her if she asked me.  I loaned her gas money.  I let her carpool with me for free.  I believe she paid me ten dollars once...which I used part of the buy her peanut m&m's cause I knew she liked them.  Then she started acting strange.  She would get mad at little things I said or didn't say....She would want my criticism on a song or something and then she would get pissed at my response...she didn't used to do that. She would throw a fit if I didn't let her habe her way.  But then she started just tearing me down and practically brainwashed me into believing that everything I did was wrong and that I should apologize for the most menial of happenings.  I still loved her and believed that it was just a phase she was going through. All the while I just kept holding in what I was feeling...hurt.  She never apologized for mean things she said to me...  I tried protecting her one night.  She wanted to spend the night a this guy's house that I liked and she knew I liked him I told her.  She even called us lovebirds when me andand him were out sitting on the road talking about life and different things that have happened to us.  Well this night we were both drunk and she wanted to fuck him and I was like no dude come on we need to leave.  we were drunk... well she screamed that she fucking hated me and ran out of the room.  Some friends tried to calm her down.   I didn;t know it but tears were falling down my face.  Another guy talked to me about how she just needs to get a clue and have her downfalls.  I loved her...I didnt want her getting hurt.   I didn' want to get hurt.  But regardless of what I do for her I always end up hurt.

So I take off and went back to the dorm  I tore up my side of the room, grabbed all my pills, and went out the door.  I went to my car drove out towards muskogee and stopped on the shoulder.  I took all one hundred caps of Benedryl and several fistfulls of tyelnol pm. I used vodka to wash them down. I texted her saying that I'm sorry for being such an ass.  that it would be better for her if I just died.  She called and by then I was starting to see shit(the benedryl did it) I was talking to her I was so cold and I was crying...then she hung up....  One of the guy's called and tried talking to me...then I passed out.  I didn;t put the car in park so it went down into the ditch.  The ditch filled up with water.  My car was underwater when they found me the next morning.  The cop busted out my window and cut me out of the seat belt.  I wasn't breathing on my own.  I remember seeing my dead uncle and other old people. but they looked double...like how I would remember them and then a second wispy youthfulness.  They were waving me to them  so I went.  Then I heard my former best friend say..."hey Kari"  like we were back at the dorm and she was asking me if her poster was straight.  I stopped and in that moment of hesitation I felt my body get pulled up.  I woke up to the hosptial lights above my face and my body was coming up off the table.  There were tubes down my throat and I got one hand loose from these straps that held me down.  I hit whoever was next to me.  I survived that night...no car....and now I have a record.  Five days after that happened,  I had gone to the doctor to get on birthcontrol because I was having three periods a month.  They were so unorganized up there.  They sent me to one office then another...and another....four hours later they finally got me a prescription for some pills..which took another hour to get filled at the pharmacy.  So by the time I got back to the dorm i was pissed...that and I had to walk all the way back from the hospital...which wasn't very long but when you are feeling like I did it would have pissed you too.  So I get back and I'm sorta short with my former best friend well she gets pissed.  I immediately feel bad and try to apologize but she kept walking down the hall and said "You know what, why don't you do me a favor?  Go committ suicide only this time don't wake up.".... she said that to me just five days after all this happened...just five days....I went more crazy....I started hating her...but hating myself even more for falling in love with her.  I started treating her differently, I started rebelling, which she really hated...I started saying no.  I grew cold.  then I felt quilty because maybe it really was all m fault.  Regardless, no one should ever have someone say this to them...especially after they really do try to die.  

During my stay at the hospital she continued fucking the guy I liked.  When I got back she told me all the things that he liked doing to her and here I was like...you little slut-face backstabber.  I tried getting over it til one night I tried staying the night.  She blew up and was banging on the windows and screamed at the top of her lungs for me to get my ass outta his house....pure fucking psycho....  my friends tried restraining her.  Well the guy goes to the door and yells for her to get the fuck outta there... she was raving fucking mad...I was scared and standing back by the couch staring at the ground....I was scared.  She gets in her vehicle and a friend jumps in with her and she speeds off...  me and the guy talk about it for a while... about how we both felt about her.  to him she was just a spoiled girl who needed to be taught a lesson in the grown up situation she had gotten herself into.  Bc she told me she wanted him as a fuck buddy...meaning he could go fuck anybody he wanted and so could she...  I was very attracted to him.  So one night was I was a little tipsy I texted him about the things I wanted to do.  Well that night was the night I was gonna spend the night.  She tried wrapping herself around him and I walked in.  So just to fuck with her I stayed with him that night.  Hell at that point I didn't care...so anyways she drives back up and I get into her vehicle.  She starts to drive...I was afraid she was gonna hit me or something.  Then she asked if what she was doing was hurting me....I was crying by this time and so did she when she saw me.  I nodded yes...she said fine she would break it off with him. By that time we were back at his house. So she jumps out and goes over to him...Things got fuzzy.  I know I went over to another friend who lived next to the lover guy and we talked for a long while about what happened.  I peed and went over to the lover guy's house.  I peed again...and again....and again...and again... Then he and I talked for a long while.  I think I took my contacts out and when I came out of the bathroom to go into the living room he grabbed me and kissed me.  I ended up on the bed, there was a lot of groping and stuff.  I woke up with my clothes still on.  I told him that we probably shouldn't tell her that we did those things because she might get violent on me again.  He agreed and took me back to the dorm...When I got there I was suprised to see that she was still awake and sitting on her bed...she looks up and I'm like "did you jsut get up?"  she said she stayed up all night.  There was glass all over my bed...apparently she broke a vase and it flew all over the place....  She then told me that she went a little crazy after she got back  to the dorm...That she considered calling my parents and telling them where I was at and that I was drunk again....I was like....holy shit this chick is crazy....I made my way throught the conversation and she wanted to know what happened....I was like...welll we kissed...and once I said that her entire body went rigid....I saw the look on her face it was scary...I told her that he groped me when we were laying down then we fell asleep...I was scared to say any more because of how she reacted to something as simple as a kiss....  She told me...that he could go fuck any girl but not me.  I was like "ok... that's fine...uhh....well I guess I better head to class."  She skipped hers and went to sleep...very scary time I tell you...

Okay now here is a second involment with the same guy. We had arrived for a birthday party a day early.  Everything was fine until that guy texted her.  Then she went over there.  I got pissed because she told me that she wouldn't do that again.  So I texted her saying that if our friendship meant anything to her that this was the breaking point.  Thirty minutes later I had walked down to the store to get cigs.  I smoke when I'm stressed. And sat in a car wash for a long ass time just smoking and thinking about her... maybe I was approaching this the wrong way.  Maybe I should just let her do these things to me just so I can stay friends with her.  Because I really did love her yet I hated her too.  It truly was a love/hate relationship.  Well I get back and she had just gotten back too.... she told me that she had already done the deed when she looked at her phone.  I was like....okay you're a whore. I'm going to bed.  So the next night we come out and she and her old druggie friend are talking about me.  The druggie friend said, man you shouldn't give him up for her my former best friend nodded in agreement. I walked over to them and they both shut the hell up.  We went somewhere...I dunno where....But I was thinking...I was the one who pushed her to fill out the application. Me and my family were excited when she got accepted.  I drove her to her ACT early in the morning because she couldn't do it herself.  I gave her hundreds of dollars worth of books that she would have had to buy on her own.  I gave her all sorts of gifts that made her happy.  I gave her my life and my love....and she was going to throw all that away for some guy....  Well, I was sad of course...  I didn't really want to mess with that same guy after all this happened...it was just too painful.

So all that happened.  I found out the other day that even during the summer she hooked up with him again and he told her that the sex was just getting boring.  I laughed my ass off.  We joked around about what went on and that I wish I had broken it off with her a long time ago.  But yeah more and more occurences...  I just should have given up on her like her parents did.  Instead I took her in like family, because she didn;t have one.  She told me all the horrble things her parents said to her and didn;t say...  I felt really bad for her.  Now though I'm done trying with her....She didn't appreciate a damn thing I ever did.  Not one.

Oh my God it's been two months since my last entry???!!!  Well I hardly ever use this site anyway.  It doesn't really matter.  I have no earthly idea why I'm blogging at this time of the morning.  I think I've gone insane. teehee  K, it's time for inward thoughts to come out and splatter onto the page...

Living in the past is a dangerous way to go about life.  It can be quite blinding at times to dwell over past mistakes yet at the same time be very revealing to the future you are to have.  No one knows what is in store for their future, right?  Wrong.  They know.  They just don't want to see.  The future comes in dreams and little messages from the inner thoughts and whisperings of the mind.  I listen to the voices yet so many things at once can drive someone crazy.  So many things to accomplish in so long a time...Whenever will I get started?  Heh, I used to have my life planned out starting from the sixth grade, but then as I got closer to my goals they instantly faded into nothingness....as if they were never really there.  I prepared so much for my "set" future.  I was interested in no one else but myself. That was about two years ago???  Maybe but it seems like decades. 

Now I strive only to survive.  I'm not poor by any means....I strive to survive mentally.  Each day more of my mind breaks down and is reformed and is broken down again only to be splintered once more.  Destruction and rebuilding is extremely exhausting. It seems to be getting worse with each passing day.  I can only rebuild my mind so much before I give up and release it to the others to play with.  Toying with little aspects of my life which, in turn, cause dramatic effects with the larger more complicated issues at hand.  They seek to break me.  I'm not sure who caused it or if it was there all along only to surface in a time of weakness.  I've been searching for the cause but everytime I delve into my mind the whispering stops and all eyes are on me.  This never used to be.  It's as if they have united for as far as the eye can see.  They turn and stare all grey and cold.  Unmoving. 

Not too long ago they just milled about and tended to their own thoughts.  But now their whisperings are more unified and understandable.  It's not just one constant mumbling.  It's patched of messages.  Even the gaurdian is unsure of what is happening.  The whisperings seek to turn me into something else.  Something I don't want to be.  Something dark.  They whisper vile things about the ones I love and they seek to turn me against them.  The voices have been watching this whole time.  Watching my every move....All of them.  They never seemed so interested in my life before.  Why now?  They started getting to me back in October.  So much were they adamant about destroying my mind that I was spaced out for most of the days.  Time seemed to run together.  October soon became the middle of December.  I had lost an entire month.  I couldn't remember much of anything. 

A couple of weeks ago I thought about it again.  The way to stop the voices from ever speaking to me again.  I told her that I wouldn't do that though.  I told her a long time ago that I wouldn't.  So I resorted to taking a couple of my friend's anti-depressants.  I was suprised with the results.  I couldn't hear them anymore. but neither could I feel anything.  I sat through two whole episodes of Family Guy and didn't laugh once.  I can never make it through and episode without laughing, even if I have seen the episode a hundred times. (which is quite possible)  I didn't like that aspect of the results, but it far better than what I had in mind.

I promised that I would room with her next semester...and I will.  I just need some help to get me through...but this help can't come from people.  This is an entirely internal matter.  I can't just talk to people about this and listen to the same answers I already pondered over in my head.  Believe me, I thought about it all.  Maybe I should get a prescription for some anti-depressants.  They came in handy when I needed them.  It also feels good knowing that I can't hear the voices when I take the pills.  It's as if a section of my brain is cut off.  A temporary labotomy if you will.  Then again the pills made me very tired too.  I just don't know anymore.  I talked to my friend a little bit....but not about this....I talked about....I dunno what we talked about.  I think we just danced around the subject and tried to act normal around each other.

God what am I doing?